avocados

latest pregnancy update: i'm now around 16 weeks - i should say 4 months - a friend once remarked in a very exasperated way about how pregnant women always talk about weeks and expect everyone else to calculate exactly how far that is!
Ok so i'm 4 months along now - and apparently OB1 is now the size of an average avocado - this is quite big, especially if i look down at my stomach and can hardly see anything! Also at this stage tiny bones in the baby's ears are developing which means it can now pick up our voices - which means even more effort on my part to keep my language clean!
For the last month i've not had too much to post - i still don't feel pregnant. Granted i get pains in my lower abdomen when i laugh to hard or sneeze, and my backpain has now localised to a specific point and threatens to disable me when i try to get up off a chair, but other than that i feel quite normal!
As for a baby-tummy - well. there's something there, but the only way to distinguish it from flab is that its hard and i can't suck it in anymore.
daddy is very excited and talks to the baby every now and again, i still have to get used to talking to my own flab. especially an area i spent my life disliking and hiding.
Sometimes i worry that i still feel so utterly normal. Judging by the level of broodiness i experienced by just seeing babies before, shouldn't i be tuned in to my own baby by now? Sure i love setting up the room, i love buying things for our little mystery child - whenever i can find something neutral! I also love planning how baby will fit into our life and our home, about the moments in the hospital when people come to visit... but when it comes right down to it... i'm afraid the idea of an actual baby still eludes me. I seem stuck on the idea of a baby, the idea of being a mother, of being part of that special club of women, of having finally arrived at the next logical step in my life. But what if its not at all what i imagined? what will i become through the constant possible crying, the sleepless nights, the lack of cuddle-time with my husband, the complete and utter loss of any sense of 'looks'...???
and will i be as good a mom as i hope to be? will i succeed in raising a well-balanced child? a happy child? will i be able to protect it from all the evil in the world?
Will i still be a good wife and partner? And somewhere in the midst of all this, will i still be me?